Slutty Halloween Costume of the Day: Fishnets and Cuffs

For your consideration I submit these ultra-realistic portrayals of women on the police force.   This one has all of the details of a real policewoman, from the mini-skirt, to the fishnet stockings, calf-high boots, fingerless gloves and pink lipstick. 

If that one doesn't pull your trigger, how about this fake leather option?  The boots and cuffs really set it off, I think. You can get it as small as a 2T from Oriental Trading Company.

Maybe you need to call in the heavy forces.  Here is a SWAT uniform for teen girls.  Every time I have ever seen an officer in SWAT gear it has been a skirt and fishnets.  There definitely should be no body armor or weapons or anything related to being safe or fighting bad guys.  Cute little wrist cuffs are important, though.

Are you looking for new and exciting ways to screw your kid up? Maggie Goes on a Diet can help!

Check out this book, available directly from the devil himself on Amazon.com.  It's called Maggie Goes on a Diet.  Amazon gives this description: "This book is about a 14 year old girl who goes on a diet and is transformed from being extremely overweight and insecure to a normal sized girl who becomes the school soccer star. Through time, exercise and hard work, Maggie becomes more and more confident and develops a positive self image."

Huh. Right now the average age that an American girl goes on her first diet is eight years old.  Seriously.  That is all kinds of fucked up.  At eight you should not be worried about the size of your tummy or the thickness of your thighs.  Yet, this is normal in our culture.  A survey of girls in first through third grade showed that 42% wanted to be thinner (Rader Programs).   Insane.

By the time a girl reaches high school, there is a 60% chance she is on a diet at any given time.   No matter what she weighs or how fit she is, she is likely to believe that she needs to lose weight and to express disatissfaction with her body.  Girls learn quickly that their bodies don't measure up.

The thing is that dieting is not healthy.  Kids who go on restrictive diets are at increased risk for developing eating disorders.  You don't want your kid to end up anorexic, bulimic or a compulsive over-eater?  Do not let them go on a low calorie diet!  Lots of research has been done to show that when a person goes on a diet, they become more obsessed with food.  The mere act of dieting can trigger a lifetime of disordered eating.  Don't believe me?  Check out this article about the Minnesota Starvation Experiment, one of the most famous and earliest studies showing that dieting makes you crazy in the head (They Starved So That Others Be Better Fed).

Your kid has a case of the chubbies?  Turn off the damn television.  Give that kid a piece of fruit or a vegetable, and get them outdoors.  Drag your fat ass out there, too.  For God's sake don't tell the kid that they are fat, and do not put the child on a diet.  If the kid has an active and healthy life they'll be fine.  Let them have a slice of chocolate cake once in a while.  If you tell them they are too fat for it, they are just going to want it more.  As soon as you make certain foods taboo you have opened up a Pandora's box that is going to haunt that child for life. 

Oh, I took the time to read through the reviews for the book.  Most of the comments were from rational, sane people.  Some were a bit misguided, though.   For instance, Robin said: "Wow this is a very great book! My daughter who is 14 and fighting childhood obesity just had a birthday and this book arrived at her birthday party just a couple days after her birthday. So I let her open it up and she loved it."  Can you fucking imagine opening up a present for your fourteenth birthday and getting a book about going on a diet?    Ho-ly shit that kid is going to need therapy.

Beach Body Battle?

Dear Fox News,
I'm willing to cut you some slack for being right-leaning.  It's not like everyone is unaware of it despite how much you claim to be unbiased.  But do you really need to have bikini girl articles?  Last time I checked we lived in a world where there was a shit-tastic economy, an upcoming presidential election, the ongoing war on terror, escalating tension with Iran, and worries about the new ruler of North Korea.  Are you really so hard up for material that you need to come up with utter crap like this?  Hell, if you just needed to fill space you could publish an articles about Beyonce's new baby or whatever the hell Lady Gaga wore yesterday.  Instead we get an article that pits two women against one another in an imaginary battle over who is more attractive.  It's so offensive and unnecessary.  Not to mention the fact that the under-side-boob combo is not doing Christina any favors.  I just want her to reach in there and adjust that thing.  Girl, if it don't lift, don't wear it!  And as for you, Fox News, stick to the news, buttholes!

T and A PSA

I'm not sure if I can play along with this one.  Check out these "public service announcements"  <<nudge-nudge, wink-wink>> brought to you by Mozambique.

Apparently the text (as if anyone is going to read it) says: "When we talk about breast cancer, there's no women or superwomen. Everybody has to do the self-examination monthly. Fight with us against the enemy and, when in doubt, talk with your doctor."

I can't.  I refuse to even pretend to believe that these ads might have made for the benefit of women.    It would have been more honest if these were ads for testicular self-examination.

In "Turning-Into-My-Mother" News

I can admit that I am not stylish, and I don't always "get" fashion, but holy shit, I could not put together an uglier outfit if I tried.  Who, exactly, is going to click on that and buy high-waisted baby-diarrhea green spandex pants and a cardigan that looks like something a morbidly obese elementary school librarian was wearing in 1984? WTF?  How about some deep conditioner and a comb, while you are at it? 

The Voice of The Mother in me is screaming: "You're such a pretty girl!  If you'd just brush your hair and not dress like that... "

It's Halloween! Is your daughter going to be a princess or a stripper?

Halloween season is definitely in full swing!  I am trying to figure out how in the hell to make my son the Shark Boy costume he wants to wear (apparently nobody sells Shark Boy costumes), and am shopping for just the right princess dress for my daughter.  My daughter, a princess?  Yep.  Isn't that a bit gender stereotyped?  Yep.  Every year since she's been able to pick, she's chosen a princess gown.  She's been a snow princess, a purple princess, and last year I made a drag-queen worthy silver princess dress out of an old silk nightgown and a whole lot of rhinestones.  

So, while I am letting my kid dress up like a princess, apparently a lot of other moms are letting their kids dress up in mini-versions of adult hoochie-mama Halloween costumes. 

I'm not sure who Lagoona Blue is, but based on the photo below I'm guessing she is a workin' lady.  Check on the hooker shoes on this girl:

Surely I am not the only one who thinks that it is not cool to let little kids play sexy dress-up for Halloween?  

Put on some pants, Grandpa!

UGH.  This just makes me crazy.  Check out the photo of this nasty old man.

Apparently, US airways let this guy fly in his snazzy little outfit.  What-the-hell?  You know what, there are people who legitimately have gender identity disorder.  It's like a birth defect where their body and brain do not match.  It's a real thing, and it would be incredibly horrible.  If I woke up tomorrow with a peen I would freak the hell out.  That's what it's like to have gender identity disorder.  These people are not weirdos, and they don't try to fly on airplanes dressed like Joe Biden crossed with Tila Tequila.

This outfit is not appropriate for a woman to fly in.  I would complain if Heidi Klum tried to get on an airplane in that outfit (although probably I'd be more focused on how god-awful tacky it is).  Put some friggin' clothes on, homie.

Let's make it clear that I would never attempt to diagnose someone I have not met or am not caring for.   That being said, you know who wants to get on an airplane looking like a whore?  People who want attention.  People who get off on attention.  This nasty ass old man most likely found the experience powerfully arousing.  That disgusts me.  There are kids at airports.  Sometimes my kids are at airports.  I don't want them involuntarily getting sucked into your transvestic fetish fantasies.

ALSO, this makes people think that gay people and people with gender identity disorder are perverts.  They are not.  I bet you anything this old fucker is straight.   Ugh.

I'm Going With "None of the Above"

I was just watching this really stupid documentary on NatGeo called When Aliens Attack.  It is basically about how humanity would react if Earth was invaded by a hostile alien force.  To summarize in one sentence: In order to survive we'd have to go low-tech, kamikaze guerilla on those robot mother-fuckers.  I'm down with that.

Anyway, in the middle of the show there were a few sentences that kind of freaked me out.  In a very matter-of-fact way the narrator said that all women of child bearing age would need to be kept pregnant almost continuously  in order to maintain the human population.  They went on to say that this would require the use of fertility drugs and multiple partners.  They then panned from a pregnant woman to a group of grungy-looking skinny dudes standing around outside a tent. 

I'm going to assume that this particular piece of the script was inspired by some nerd's favorite masturbatory material, but give me a freakin' break.    You're telling me that my choice is between being vaporized by a giant laser or being continuously impregnated by a bunch of strangers with sub-par personal hygiene while living in a tent in the middle of BFE?  I gotta admit that the laser sounds like a quick and easy way to go. 

Sorry, humanity.   You're going to have to count me out on this one.

Doin' it right, doin' it wrong

Despite all of my complaining, I actually do love fashion.  How can you not adore this gorgeousness?  It is Charlotte Rampling in V magazine.  She is almost exactly twice my age and is rocking that hell out of that couture.   I want to be her when I grow up.


Compare the loveliness above to this mess (from the same issue):

I'm not even going to touch this from a feminist perspective.  You can be sexy.  You can be older than 50 or 60 or 70 and be sexy.  Quite possibly you can even be Jane Fonda and be sexy.  However, this is not how it is done.