Slutty Halloween Costume of the Day: Too short, too short, and still too short

Hey look, it's Goldilocks!  It turns out that my parents told me the lame-ass, g-rated version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears when I was a kid.  It was all about eating porridge, and taking a nap.  I missed the part where there was sexy time. 

I even thought the bears were actual bears. You know, like live-in-a -cave-and-catch-salmon-swimming-upstream bears.  

How wrong I was.

In any case, check out this Goldilock's costume for girls.The one on top is clearly supposed to be sexy.  This one is almost identical to the costume above, but it only comes in girl's sizes.  It's not even in juniors sizes, just girls.  Why?  Would another foot of fabric on the bottom of the skirt ruin the costume?  Would people say, "Geez, I didn't realize you were Goldilocks.  Why isn't your arse hanging out?  Where are your hooker heels? Kids these days have no respect for the classics." 

Slutty Halloween Costume of the Day: Old West Hooker Girl!

Clearly I am missing something.  Maybe I am not smart enough to figure out the vocabulary words being used to describe this Halloween costume.    The word tween means in someone who is between a child and a teenager, right?  So, I'm thinking like 10, 11 or 12 year-olds.  Am I totally off base with this?

Now, a saloon girl is an old west prostitute, isn't it?  So, the "Saloon Girl Junior Tween Costume" is by definition an outfit designed to make a girl look like an old-timey child prostitute.  If you happen to be in-between prison sentences and are in the market for something like this for the kid you keep locked in your attic, you can find one at Spirit Halloween supplies. FYI.

The Slutty Halloween Costume of the Day Game: Schoolgirl or Stripper!

Let's play a game!  I'm going to show you two costumes currently for sale online.  One is designed and sold as a stripper costume.  The other is marketed as a costume for teens or tweens.  You figure out which one is which.

ROUND ONE:  ALICE IN WONDERLAND

ROUND TWO:  LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Answers on the next page!

Slutty Halloween Costume of the Day: Sexy Maid at Your Service!

You can purchase the "Child Chamber Maid Costume" for your little tyke at through Amazon.com.  As the description reads, "At your service."   A-dor-a-ble!   Needs a turtleneck and jeans, and maybe a parka, though.

Black is beautiful, right?

Here is a promotional photo for Beyonce's 2011 album, 4.  Yes, that is Beyonce.  She is barely recognizable.  As a White woman, I definitely don't feel like I fully understand the politics of skin color among Black women.  That being said, this picture makes me feel uncomfortable.   I can't help but imagine what little girls see when they see this picture.  Beyonce is in such a tremendous position of power to buck narrow, repressive ideas of what is beautiful.  She does that sometimes.  This is not one of those times.  What do you think?


As an aside, what the hell is up with that giant lump on the couch under her back?

Dr. Leonard's Freaktastical Catalog for Old People

Have you ever had the pleasure of reading through Dr. Leonard's Catalog?  If you haven't I highly recommend getting on their mailing list.  Their target demographic seems to be people who are elderly, incontinent, mobility impaired, and also very, very horny.

It is your one-stop shop for plastic underpants, bunion regulators (regulate that bunion!),  and sweaters for your dog.

They also have motion sensor owls (take that, you sneaky criminals and Jehovah's witnesses!) and strapless, ruffled terry cloth rompers (always in fashion!).

I bet what you really need is a bug-zapper racket and a hernia support.  Am I right?  Well, Dr. Leonard has your ass covered.  

They even have large print Bibles and the Complete Life of Jesus on DVD.

Oh, and did I mention the large selection of freak-nasty sex toys?  I'm not going to screencap the vibrators, dildos and other unmentionables with names like the 10-Function Bendie, Pearl Dreams Massager,  Creme de la Femme and the grammatically questionable Me Clitoral Stimulating Gel (click at your own risk:  Dr. Leonard's).  But the real stand out product for me is the Totally Nude Yoga and Tai Chi video.

Nude tai chi?  Have you ever seen anyone doing tai chi?

  Have you ever thought, Man I wish I could see those people naked? Oh, you have?  Well, let me direct you to Dr. Leonard's Catalog.  I'm told it's America's leading resource for health products.

It's Halloween! Is your daughter going to be a princess or a stripper?

Halloween season is definitely in full swing!  I am trying to figure out how in the hell to make my son the Shark Boy costume he wants to wear (apparently nobody sells Shark Boy costumes), and am shopping for just the right princess dress for my daughter.  My daughter, a princess?  Yep.  Isn't that a bit gender stereotyped?  Yep.  Every year since she's been able to pick, she's chosen a princess gown.  She's been a snow princess, a purple princess, and last year I made a drag-queen worthy silver princess dress out of an old silk nightgown and a whole lot of rhinestones.  

So, while I am letting my kid dress up like a princess, apparently a lot of other moms are letting their kids dress up in mini-versions of adult hoochie-mama Halloween costumes. 

I'm not sure who Lagoona Blue is, but based on the photo below I'm guessing she is a workin' lady.  Check on the hooker shoes on this girl:

Surely I am not the only one who thinks that it is not cool to let little kids play sexy dress-up for Halloween?  

Put on some pants, Elle Fanning!

She's thirteen years old!  This is from the current issue of Marie Claire.  Overall it's a beautiful editorial, but come on. 

Put on some pants, Grandpa!

UGH.  This just makes me crazy.  Check out the photo of this nasty old man.

Apparently, US airways let this guy fly in his snazzy little outfit.  What-the-hell?  You know what, there are people who legitimately have gender identity disorder.  It's like a birth defect where their body and brain do not match.  It's a real thing, and it would be incredibly horrible.  If I woke up tomorrow with a peen I would freak the hell out.  That's what it's like to have gender identity disorder.  These people are not weirdos, and they don't try to fly on airplanes dressed like Joe Biden crossed with Tila Tequila.

This outfit is not appropriate for a woman to fly in.  I would complain if Heidi Klum tried to get on an airplane in that outfit (although probably I'd be more focused on how god-awful tacky it is).  Put some friggin' clothes on, homie.

Let's make it clear that I would never attempt to diagnose someone I have not met or am not caring for.   That being said, you know who wants to get on an airplane looking like a whore?  People who want attention.  People who get off on attention.  This nasty ass old man most likely found the experience powerfully arousing.  That disgusts me.  There are kids at airports.  Sometimes my kids are at airports.  I don't want them involuntarily getting sucked into your transvestic fetish fantasies.

ALSO, this makes people think that gay people and people with gender identity disorder are perverts.  They are not.  I bet you anything this old fucker is straight.   Ugh.