Bikini babes and cheesy snacks

UGH!  Seriously.  These are the articles on Fox News right now.  Rhianna on bikini tour? What the f^@k is a bikini tour?  She likes to wear swimsuits?  Who gives a crap?  The bitch is swimming, do you want her to wear snowpants?  Underpants for soldiers?  Vanilla fucking ice?  STRAWS OF CHEESE!?  Now you are just screwing with us.  What kind of friggin' article about cheese straws warrants a spot on the main page of an alleged news website?  Oh, and to answer my question, yes.  I am stressed.  My gut does feel it.   I don't want to turn into a conspiracy nut, but it almost makes me wonder if they are just trying to distract the readership from important things that are happening in the world.

I can't help but think about bread and circuses. In Rome, when the shit was hitting the fan, the government distracted and appeased the people by providing free entertainment and food (Wikipedia article here.  Yeah, I know.  Wikipedia.  Just don't cite it in a term paper.).  I hate to get all political, but there is a lot of metaphorical shit flying toward the metaphorical fan right now, and the "news" sources give us this.   Seriously.  If I want this crap I will watch Entertainment Tonight or buy a copy of the National Enquirer.

Best Headline Ever.

Thanks to the Smoking Gun for what is possibly the best headline ever penned.  Flaming Tampon Attack should be the name of a band.

In "Turning-Into-My-Mother" News

I can admit that I am not stylish, and I don't always "get" fashion, but holy shit, I could not put together an uglier outfit if I tried.  Who, exactly, is going to click on that and buy high-waisted baby-diarrhea green spandex pants and a cardigan that looks like something a morbidly obese elementary school librarian was wearing in 1984? WTF?  How about some deep conditioner and a comb, while you are at it? 

The Voice of The Mother in me is screaming: "You're such a pretty girl!  If you'd just brush your hair and not dress like that... "

Dinner at the Crackington House

I found this picture in an ad I got in the mail from a local grocery store today.    Have you ever seen a more cracktastic spread? 

Billy:  "Hey Mom, what's for dinner?"

Mom:  "Pepperoni pizza, orange juice, a basket of whole-wheat bread, some cocktail shrimp and a big bowl of raw hot peppers."

Billy: "Cool, I like pizza. Wait, what?  A bowl full of raw..."

Mom:  "Yeah!  A bowl full of hot peppers.  Is there a problem with that?  Do I look like Paula-fucking-Dean to you?" 

Billy:  "Uhhh...  DAAAD!  I think Mom stopped taking her medication again!"

Mom:  "Your father?  You're calling him to help? Ha!  Oh, you are just like him.  So judgemental.  Nothing is ever enough.  I even spent the whole damn afternoon rolling up lunch meat JUST LIKE YOU LIKE IT  Oh, and I threw on some olives.  OLIVES, dammit.  And DIP!  Creamy-orange dip, because MOMMY LOVES YOU."