I'm Going With "None of the Above"

I was just watching this really stupid documentary on NatGeo called When Aliens Attack.  It is basically about how humanity would react if Earth was invaded by a hostile alien force.  To summarize in one sentence: In order to survive we'd have to go low-tech, kamikaze guerilla on those robot mother-fuckers.  I'm down with that.

Anyway, in the middle of the show there were a few sentences that kind of freaked me out.  In a very matter-of-fact way the narrator said that all women of child bearing age would need to be kept pregnant almost continuously  in order to maintain the human population.  They went on to say that this would require the use of fertility drugs and multiple partners.  They then panned from a pregnant woman to a group of grungy-looking skinny dudes standing around outside a tent. 

I'm going to assume that this particular piece of the script was inspired by some nerd's favorite masturbatory material, but give me a freakin' break.    You're telling me that my choice is between being vaporized by a giant laser or being continuously impregnated by a bunch of strangers with sub-par personal hygiene while living in a tent in the middle of BFE?  I gotta admit that the laser sounds like a quick and easy way to go. 

Sorry, humanity.   You're going to have to count me out on this one.

Besmirch this!

Saudi Arabian women are not allowed to drive.  Before you jump to conclusions, this is not a direct result of Islam.  It turns out that Islam, being thousands of years old, doesn't specifically say anything about whether women can drive.  In fact, Saudi Arabia is the only Muslim country that bans women from driving, and the ban was not enacted until 1990. 

Saudi women with valid driver's licenses in other countries are planning a protest on June 17th.  They intend to drive while under the influence of estrogen. 

In advance of the protest, a 32-year old  Manal Asharif  (called the Saudi Rosa Parks by Aol news, and pictured left) decided to drive, and to record herself doing so.  She then posted a video of her engaging in this illicit, immoral act on youtube.  Not surprisingly, she was arrested.  According to Human Rights Watch, the reason for the arrest was that she was, "...besmirching the kingdom's reputation abroad and stirring up public opinion."  Uh-huh. 

It's not just being forbidden from driving that makes Saudi Arabia a really awesome place for women.  Saudi women can't vote.  That sucks, right?  How about this?  They are also required to have a male guardian.  If you happen to have a vagina, your need your husband, brother or father to give his stamp of approval if you want to travel, open a bank account, have surgery, or do silly things like attend college or have a job.

I'm glad that Saudi women are protesting, but I don't really see how this is going to end well for them.  They are going to need more than just a grass roots protest to win back the God-given rights that have been stolen from them by their government.

Ugly Man Calls Black Women Ugly in Order To Feel Slightly Better About Himself, Get Attention

Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa, a lecturer at the London School of Economics and prolific internet troll, made a post on the Psychology Today blog stating that Black women are less attractive than women of other races, and pseudo-scientifically speculating about the reasons for this "fact."  Not surprisingly, his blog post was swiftly removed by Psychology Today. 

 Sources report that he wrote:    
“Black women are on average much heavier than non-black  women…..However, this is not the reason black women are less physically attractive than non-black women… [it is because] they have existed much longer in human evolutionary history, Africans have more mutations in their genomes than other races”. (See source here).

"The only thing I can think of that might potentially explain the lower average  level of physical attractiveness among black women is testosterone...The race differences in the level of testosterone can therefore potentially explain why black women are less physically attractive than women of  other races, while ...black men are more physically attractive than men of other races."  (Read the complete article here).

<<sigh>>  It's clear that this guy is a complete a*hole who is trying desperately to offend people in order to get some attention.  Even posting about this feels a bit like paying attention to a kid who is throwing a tantrum.  I don't want to reinforce this kind of bullshit.  Nonetheless, racist and sexist crap like this should not go ignored.  I'm not sure why this guy thinks he is in a place to critique the physical appearance of others.  Look in the mirror lately, homie?  Or is this whole thing a ploy to raise money for that much-needed mole removal? 

This whole controversy reminded me of a set of composite photographs that were going around the internet a few months ago that purport to show the average face of women and men of many ethnicities. I don't think anyone could look at this and not see that the Black women are at least as beautiful as the women of other ethnic backgrounds.  In all honesty, when I saw these photos I did the opposite of Kanazawa and wondered why the African American women were the most beautiful.  My guess is that it has to do with a more diverse gene pool, which we all know is a good thing. 

So, let's recap.  Black is beautiful. Satoshi Kanazawa is a douchebag.  Case closed.

Why, Is That A Designer Vagina?

Gee, Jane, I'm sure feeling blue.  I'm worried about whether my fella likes how I look down there.

Golly, Sue, haven't you heard about designer laser vaginoplasty?  All the girls are doing it.  It's real simple.  You just go to the doctor, she points a high powered laser at your lady-bits, and poof! You're looking like a fresh flower in the spring.  It's swell!

Wow, Jane.  Why haven't I heard about designer laser vaginoplasty?  It sounds great, but are there any risks?

Designer laser vaginoplasty isn't just great, Sue, it's the best!  Lots of doctors are doing it.  The stock text on their websites even says:  "Surveys and Tests conducted reveal that given a choice, women want to look like the “Playboy” models, and now, we can make you look however you want."  Isn't that just peachy?   It's real safe, too.  The weeks of healing, scarring, and potential loss of sensation and lack of sexual pleasure are a small price to pay to look pretty for your guy!  

You can learn more here, here, and see before and after pics here!  Yeah, you might not want to click on that last one unless you really, really want to see a designer vaginer (Hint:  It's not covered in little Louis Vuitton logos).

Edited to add:  My sister just asked me about how haute coocher fits in with the designer vaginer movement.  I'm not sure, but I'm certain it's much more expensive, and can only be done by very fancy people in France.

Gaze Into My Crystal Ball

 This morning it was informally announced that Republican Michele Bachmann intends to run for president.  Get ready, ladies and gents!  There is nothing that stirs the pot quite like a lady gettin' uppity and trying to do a man's job!

Do you remember how Clinton and Palin were covered by the media?  Clinton wore pantsuits and short cropped hair, and was portrayed as masculine, cold, and ball-busting.  Then when she wore a slightly low-cut blouse, it sparked Cleavagegate.  Relive the glory of the article that sparked the controversy here:  Clinton's Cleavage Covered by Washington Post.

People were acting like she went on the floor of congress dressed like JWOWW.   BTW, what in the hell kind of name is JWOWW, and why is it taking up valuable real estate in my brain?  I need a minute to get over my disgust, and possibly take some prophylactic valtrex.

 Go ahead, try to deny the similarity.

 Palin was feminine and pretty, and widely criticized for being stupid.  Do you remember all that fuss over how much  money the GOP spend on her wardrobe for the campaign trail?  Or how she was a bad mother?  Or people making fun of her for having been a beauty queen?   Okay, I gotta give them that one.  You know how I love pageants!

How exactly could a woman dress or groom herself in order to avoid beauty criticism?  Where exactly is that line between cold, calculating, butchy hag and stupid, slutty, beauty queen? 

You don't have to be Madam Ruby to see where this is going.   Bachmann is pretty, so we can count on the hounds to go after her for being ditzy, a pawn of men in higher positions, using botox (you know that's coming), and possibly being some kind of a slut.  Instead of going after her femininity, wouldn't it be great if people could focus on her policies?

Pin-Up Girls

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Admit your s*@t?"  Yes, I am a total hypocrite.  Feminist-this, feminist-that, subvert the patriarchy and ooooh, pretty pin-up girls!  I admit it.  I'm completely inconsistent.  It must be all of my hormones, making me so unreliable.  Obviously this is why a woman can never be president.

Anyway, I stumbled across these great images of models in the 1950s posing for the renowned pin-up artist Gil Elvgren.  Aren't they just the cutest?

You can see the full gallery at  How to be a retronaut

SHOCKER

Supplies!

Remember the mom who was injecting her eight year old with black market botox to get rid of her wrinkles for the kiddie pageant circuit?  Yeah, her.  You'll never, ever believe what happened.  I hope you are sitting down.  Child protective services decided to come knocking, and the child has been taken into custody.  You can read more about it here: Horrible Pageant Mom Loses Custody

I feel so terrible for that poor little girl, yet also really glad that someone has stepped in and removed her from what was, at best, a mother who did not have her best interests in mind.   The truth is that the situation was more akin to abuse.  I hope that the daughter is getting help, and that she grows up knowing that how you look is not the most important thing.

Also, Weird Al is a genius.   I don't care what you say.

Plus Sized Pin Up Girls

This is something that makes me happy!  Les Toil is an artist who specializes in pin-up girls.  However, he's a little bit of an oddball.  He only does pin ups of plus-sized women.   Yes, you read that right.  He makes his living doing custom pin up girls, and here is a quote from his website for those interested in having one done:

"The qualifications for being a Toil Girl are quite simple actually. First and foremost, you must not be skinny. Here at the ToilTime Studios™ we believe an ample anatomy is the most desired and aesthetically pleasing an artist's model can have--and art history backs up that claim. The more curves the better, basically. So if you see Ally McBeal in the reflection of your mirror, consider yourself an unfit specimen (but, by absolutely no means, a lesser specimen. Being critical of one's proportions--be they vast or narrow--is something Mr. Toil frowns upon)."

It's strange to see big women portrayed as beautiful, and even sexy.  I love his website, and can get lost in his pin up galleries. It's refreshing to see larger ladies portrayed so lovingly! Here are a few of my favorites.

If you've got some time to kill, check out his website:  http://www.toilgirls.com/   I've known about him for at least five years, and the pin up girls change every few months.
        
And yes, if I ever have an extra $350 burning a hole in my pocket, I am totally going to become a toil girl.  I'm thinking some kind of Halloween theme, maybe with a pumpkin patch...

Yay for Playboy!

NBC has ordered a television show called The Playboy Club that will be about the first playboy club, that opened in Chicago in '63.  Hold on while I set my DVR player.

It seems like there is a lot to suggest that the general public does not share my substantial distaste for the whole Playboy franchise.  Let's examine the evidence, shall we?

First, there is the the popularity of that insipid Girls Next Door show.  I'm sad to say I've seen it a few times.  The sad truth is that I'd rather look at Kendra's boobs than listen to her laugh. 

Then, there are all of the playboy products that somebody is apparently buying.  Kmart has a great selection.  ((Insert your own joke about the discerning tastes of Kmart shoppers here))

 Playboy energy drinks?  Why  not!  I wonder if you can get them pre-laced with roofies?

Then there is this little beauty, courtesy of one of my very favorite blogs, Cake Wrecks.

I had a Hustler cake for my twelfth birthday.  Good times.

If All of Your Friends Gave Their Kids Illegal Botox Injections...

Have you been thinking that your preschooler is looking a little saggy in the jowls?  Is your second grader getting crow's feet?   Mine either.

Apparently, everyone who is everyone on the child pageant circuit is now illegally injecting their kids with botox.  Good Morning America did a story with a pageant mom who injects her eight-year old to get rid of wrinkles.   She sees no problem with it, and defends her actions by saying that all the other moms do it.   Ooookay, then.

You have to watch the video, although be forewarned that it might make you want to smack somebody.   

The mother in this video is not just shallow and a terrible parent.  She is also indescribably, incredibly stupid. I'm not just saying this out of anger, either.  Listen to the way she speaks and her reasoning for what she does.  I'm not going to render a professional opinion or anything here, but let's just say that MENSA is not going to be stamping their approval on this bitch's application any time soon.

First off, it's dumb to do a medical procedure at home when you are clearly not a medical professional.  Even better, why not do a procedure that involves injecting black market botulism poison into your kid's face?   Second, if you are going to risk your child's life because you want her to be a pretty, pretty princess, it's probably not smart to document it with photos and videos and share it with the national news media.  Do you think that child protective services might have something to say about that?  No, I'm guessing that it hasn't occurerd to you. Something tells me you are actually going to be shocked when a social worker comes knocking on your door.  Let's just hope you aren't in the middle of giving your daughter a black market boob job when they show up.  

Ugh.  Say a prayer for that little girl.  She is going to grow up all kinds of effed up with a mother like that. 

Baby You Can Drive My Car

On June 17th, women in Saudi Arabia are planning a revolution.  They are going to risk losing jobs, being ostracized, and even going to jail.  You won't believe their audacious plan.  They want to get into cars, and drive them.  You can read about the protest at this article on Bloomberg.

For how much I complain about problems women face in our country, it's important to remember that there are still places in the world where women cannot vote, cannot drive, cannot vote, leave their homes without a male escort or even show their faces. 

I'd love to say that I have great hopes for a coming women's rights revolution in the Middle East, but I don't.   I suspect things are going to get worse there for women before they get better.  I am sending hopes and prayers to the women and girls who live in places where they are so blatantly treated as second class citizens.  

Kinda Sketchy, Skechers.

I have never been the biggest fan of Skechers, so it's possible I'm being overly harsh.  But they have a couple of gems out right now that do not get my feminist-mommy stamp of approval.

The first is the "Pretty Tall."  It's a line of tennis shoes with elevated, wedge-style heels.   I just don't get it.  That doesn't sound comfortable, or particularly good for a little girl's feet.  How is she supposed to run around in those?  I read one blog post where a mom raved about them because they increased her daughter's height by a full inch and half, allowing her to get on amusement park rides that she otherwise was too short to ride (http://kidsfashion.about.com/b/2010/08/13/annas-closet-skechers-pretty-tall-shoes.htm).  Huh.  I don't want to judge or anything, but aren't those height requirements kind of a safety thing? 

The second is a version of the Skechers shape up, but for kids.  I'm for kids getting exercise, but something about this just rubs me the wrong way. Here is a banner ad from the Skechers website featuring both products.

So what do you think? Am I just trying to find something to bitch about or are there some legitimate concerns here?

Also, I can't help but imagine that Tom Cruise is on the phone somewhere, desperately trying to get Skechers to manufacture him a custom pair.  Here is an old pic of him in the park with his robo-wife, wearing a sadly plain pair of Pretty Talls.  He'd really like a new pair.

 

http://socialitelife.com

The ones with the butterflies, please.

Another Triumph for Technology (Also, Boobs!)

Do you have too much time on your hands, an iphone, and a burning desire to know you would look like with a larger pair of melons?  No?  Are you a perv, with too much time on your hands and a burning desire to play around with boobies?  Well, here's the app for you!  It's called iAugment.  You take a picture of your own torso (you know, or sneak and take a picture of one your sister's friends), and you upload it into the app.  Then you can use a simple slider for hours of jug adjusting fun.

Before you get concerned, this app was created by a female plastic surgeon.  So, clearly it's all good.  We can brush off any concerns about the normalization of body dissatisfaction.  Instead, let's chat about what in the hell is going on with the right boob in the left picture below.  Maybe the bra is just winking at us.

Winking all the way to the bank. Awww, yeah!

Black Beauties

Vogue Italia has released their May issue, which is titled: "A Tribute to Black Beauties."  It does have some gorgeous photographs.  How can you not love this?

Or this?

Okay, I'll admit that the granny-panty crotch roses are confusing me a little bit.  Nonetheless, gorgeous!

I'm not even going to go on about how one black tribute issue a year does not make up for how under-represented black women are in fashion (especially black women who don't look exactly like slightly darker white women.  Don't get me started on that.).

But can I lodge a complaint?  I just can't anymore with the tribal jewelry.  I just can't. Do we really need to go there?  Edit, people!  Haven't you ever heard that old quote from Coco Chanel?  "Before you leave the house in the morning, look in the mirror and take one thing off."   That rule applies here, y'all.  My vote is on the gigantic necklace that does not fit with the rest of the outfit. It's like tourette's syndrome in the form of an accessory.

Somebody clearly thought that necklace added something to the photo.  It does.  You know what it adds?  This: The mental image of some graying white man with a snooty fake British accent wearing loafers with no socks and an ascot standing next to the craft services table bragging:  "Take a look at this, Charles, isn't this ethnic?  It's a black model.  In a tribal necklace.  Clever, I know.  I just thought it up, all by myself.  You know, because black women are just positively exotic!" 

Lighten up! Kidnapping women and beating them is FUN!

Oh, video game nerds.  What are we going to do with you?  I know that most of you don't have friends at school, and have never actually seen boobs in real life.  Someday, through a combination of good luck and good binoculars the boob thing might actually happen, though I'm not holding my breath on the friends.  You want something to make you feel powerful, to make you feel like you are in control.  Plus, you want to see boobs. 

Well, wipe that Cheeto grime off of your hands and go get the new Duke Nuken Forever game!  You get to kidnap chicks (admittedly the only way you're probably coming anywhere near one), slap them when they resist being abducted (sometimes you just gotta slap a ho), and you get to see cartoon boobies!  There's even a simulated blow job from twins!! (You can ask your mom what that means after you get off the computer, just don't tell her you heard it from me.) 

Yay, technology!

Back and bitchier than ever

So, it's been a looooong time since I've written anything on the blog.   There is a colorful saying about doing your business or getting off of the pot.  So, that's what I'm gonna do here.  So, ladies and gents, bust out your fanciest blog-reading hats, and let's get this party started!

Hilary Houdini Rodham Clinton

 People should be worried about Hilary Clinton.  I know she is considered by many to be a dangerous, pantsuit wearing threat, but now she's upped the ante.   You know that photo that has been everywhere of President Obama and his team watching video of the raid on Osama's compound?  The one where Hilary has her hand over her mouth?

Well, it was reprinted in a Hassidic newspaper and Hilary wasn't in the photo.  She freakin' disappeared.  I'm thinking she is a witch.  That's definitely more plausible than her being literally edited out of history because she has a vagina.

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/05/09/hassidic-newspaper-edits-clinton-iconic-situation-room-photo/